HELLO & WELCOME!
I am a passionate personal development coach and spiritual advisor with a long history of over-coming and thriving with chronic illness.
I am also a visionary who encourages radical authenticity and promotes free-thinking.
Read at your own discretion, trigger warning always in effect. Enjoy.
A vivid memory of mine occurring in a flash, as most memories do. The lasting effects of these micro-moments often have intrinsic value and can often penetrate the memory in a way where there’s no distinction whether it was real or imagined. Although my life as I see it now does appear more dream-like and created and less determined or random, this moment stopped me in my tracks and penetrated my spirit.
“Brian will not be coming back this year, he needs a heart transplant,”
The scene was high school, 10th grade for me. Just an average awkward girl, unbeknownst of herself and internal creator ability walking the halls probably trying to escape during Algebra. It was just the 3 of us in the hallway at the time. The guidance counselor, the principal, and myself to witness this event. The timing perfect to hear what I needed to hear.
I recall passing them as I heard, stopping and looking back at them, and not merely ignoring the penetrable statement, but taking time to process it. I thought, wow, a heart transplant. I believe it was one of my first experiences with this terminology and definitely the first time I considered what that would be like and the simultaneous fear and uncertainty news like that must feel like to whoever Brian was.
This all took place in about 5 seconds. But would forever change my life and in ways I couldn’t even have imagined at that time. In hindsight, was this my first encounter or clue into a deeper aspect of my future? Of course at that time, I had no consciousness regarding barely myself yet alone what may be unfolding all had meaning.
It’s the most common languaging we have societally to first and foremost apologize when we hear of bad news or a new illness diagnosis. As a recovering people pleaser, apologizing became something to me was second nature. I might as well have apologized for being born with how small and insignificant I was trying to be. Coming from a broken home, the awkward perfect day out would consist of ways to try to make myself unseen. Gaining my secret pleasure in observation mode seeing others having fun rather that to participate myself.
Getting sick was something I never expected and being told I was going into kidney failure wasn’t something I could hide forever. I tried as feelings of confusion, guilt, shame, embarrassment, and anger at times took over my 25 year old body. After 5 years suffering with an autoimmune disorder without reprieve from modern medicine albeit keeping me alive, I had to turn within on another level if I wanted to survive, physically and especially mentally.
Already an established yogi, (a profound healing tool for me), I had already understood the implications that illness had on both the body and the mind. What had to develop was the spiritual aspects of understanding. With the severity of the illness, death was something that I needed to not only face, but process and discover what death was to me and begin a relationship in case we were to be united.
Over the years I had deep profound mystical experiences with my illness and in particular the “why” it happened. Even current science has not established exact information in regard to why an autoimmune manifests. The medical community and research theorize a “big bang” hypothesis a combination of factors that impress on the immune system in a way that the complex intelligent system inverts, goes awry, and begins to attack itself rather than protect.
My passion for healing led me on a biopsychospiritual journey to discover root causes of my conditions. More so to help make sense of this for others comfort due to my love for humanity. But first I needed to surrender any resistance and permit my body to succumb to the complete annihilation that was occurring in order to resurrect the balance and live to tell about it.
This I discuss often, the absolute value and need to honor the experiencers in our world. Now more than ever, we are seeking a deeper conscious understanding as to the why things happen in our world so as to improve and shift into healthier avenues of living and for the betterment of our future.
First off, I have grown to have a beautiful healthy relationship with scientism. As a former imbalanced right brain spiritualist, I understand that nature exists in a balance of harmonious give and take. For many years during my illness I explored (commonly reversed in our modern society), the language of mathematics, physics, biology, and found more commonalities that I could have imagined. And where I found separation, I attempted to bridge the gap between my history in spirituality with that of science.
This lead to my love affair with quantum physics, along with more traditional Newtonian methods seeking some balance between 2 world views of determinism and randomness.
During my years of illness and exploration, 2 things were happening. My physical body was being treated rigorously, and I was treating my mind and emotional body in ways which I believed in separation consciousness, polarization, living via the subconscious often childlike belief systems, and seeking the deeper universal truths, especially around health and healing. And something amazing was happening. I was healing. But differently, holistically and authentically, NOT just physically.
My illness was the catalyst for the rebirth of me. The me I came here to be after decades of conditioning to fit into a life as woman suitable living in a broken society.
It is no mistake my body began to “reject” itself. The metaphysical causations of my underlying disease offered me an inner glimpse into the laws of the universe beyond what we see in our limiting reality, and for this I was eternally grateful but simultaneously frustrated at the lack of evolution in terms of true healing.
Its common knowledge a big change occurs after someone overcomes their illness or even develops a way to have a healthy relationship with it. Overwhelmingly they have a deep sense of gratitude for the experience. It offered a change that could have never occurred without being compressed and face to face with all the emotions and fears that can arise with the potential of death. The physical breaks down, the mental breaks down, and often the spirit is challenged beyond belief. But when we surrender to what is happening a vast space is allowed to open for things we were veiled to previously.
It’s in my belief that day back in high school was God’s way to “remind” me what was to come. Why else would the scene be burned into my brain? And in past times of depression and wanting to give up, I often was reminded of my previous clues into my destiny and recall, “This is ALL happening for a reason”.
I am a completely different person since facing death, “fighting” my disease, and receiving not one but 2 kidney transplants subsequently. I came to believe that my disease was the gift all along. Offering a new life after living a life of societal programming, lack based mentality, and childhood/ancestral trauma. Did this unconscious build up contribute to the manifestation of my illness? I not only agree but would bet on it.
Our own hero’s journey as spoken by Joseph Campbell, occur when ones ready. Age, time/space, gender, socioeconomic factors, location, and anything in our physical 3-d reality do not matter. Its love affair with the mystical and other realms for ones souls evolution. It’s an experience that cannot be quantified qualitatively. No amount of science can exactly figure out a mystical experience that often occurs simultaneously during a physical catastrophe. Often it’s mentioned in moments of miracle and survival, or even synchronicities and alignments.
This will remain my passion and love affair for as long as I am in this physical body.
What is takes to authentically heal. Mind, body, and spirit.
Why did we get sick to begin with? What is the manifestation of the illness trying to teach us? Are we being offered a chance at freedom and new beginnings?
Consciousness is an essential part of healing. We can be offered the latest medical breakthrough treatments, be cared for in the most prestigious institutions, and do everything we’re told and offered to help us survive the force attempting to take our physical lives. And still people die. Indeed we are getting better at lifespan extension, but it is in not only my belief but my 20 year experiential journey that surrender, healing the subconscious, and discovering a spiritual perspective to assist in our healing process, we still have far to go.
Yes, my body healed. Yes, I received 2 kidneys from my gracious selfless donors, yes I was offered treatments by excellent Dr.s but I wasn’t healed fully until I healed my soul by waking up to my own consciousness and being willing the walk in the shadows of death without trying to escape them. This to me is the very definition of holistic healing. It wasn’t any herbal supplements, voodoo, or woo woo modalities that often are thought of when one mentions the term holistic. It was simply the willingness to surrender, to sit in the discomfort, and trust whether I live or die I was going to be ok.
My disease is part of me. And I have grown to accept every part of me. Waking up to the inherent light in the darkness has been a pivotal life lesson for me.
Once you make friends with your shadows both inside and out, something deeply shifts. You see you cannot experience light without a direct proportion to dark. And the deeper you are willing to swim, the brighter the outcome. The greatest miracle occurs.