HELLO & WELCOME!
I am a passionate personal development coach and spiritual advisor with a long history of over-coming and thriving with chronic illness.
I am also a visionary who encourages radical authenticity and promotes free-thinking.
Enjoy.
Breathe Stephanie, Breathe! The only sound tunneling through my barely there consciousness. My vision like driving though misty mountain tops through sleepy eyes. This was the beginning of the end for me.
It was 2003 and my 26 year old meek body was undergoing surgery to have a catheter implanted into my chest to begin dialysis treatments after my both of my kidney’s had failed after a 5 year battle with the wolf (Lupus, the auto-immune disease). I have always had an affinty for the creatures but little did I know it would turn on me, hunt me, and take me down. It wasn't until years later and may deaths would I acualize the power of transformation that the wolf was offering.
The time leading up to the experience I knew other things were going on behind the mask of the diseases running amok in my body. I felt things. I saw things. But at this time of desperate health measures I dare not tell my visions for the fear of being misunderstood or simply written off as delusional due to the imbalance of chemistry.
But I knew there was something coming other than the placement of my catheter to begin the next, very complicated part of my journey. In fact, as I was being prepped and pre-anesthesized, I asked the surgeon to place my catheter on the opposite side than he suggested. He asked, “why?" I said I felt something wasn’t right. After I offered a plea he told me he was going with his placement as mine wasn’t convincing enough. I surrendered, a concept I was familiarizing with more and more, to his professional direction.
As any surgery, after the cocktail of anesthetics, I was out. Sound asleep. Then suddenly and shockingly, I was brought out of my rest into a room full of screams and slight professional panic.
A nurse began to lift my head to sit up a bit, I heard female and male voices yelling, breathe Stephanie, breath! I very quickly from a deep comatose state was arranged to perceptions visually, spiritually, and physically. My first thoughts in those seconds were;
Why is all my family by the doorway, this must be serious (my visual)
Oh, I guess I should try to gasp for air, but I cannot catch any breath (physical)
Maybe I am dying (spiritually)
A lot to process in few seconds after coming out of a drug induced state. I could not catch any breath. I was gasping and honestly others panic was the only state that keep me trying. I quite felt at peace before I was brought out the light.
The moments I was “awake” were maybe about 1-3 minutes. Then I slipped off once again…but this time it was to try to die. The panic quickly faded to a vision. I was "offline".
I was transported to a peaceful luminescent field full of long grasses and spring wild flowers. Directly to my right was a Native American chief. His skin full of leathered wisdom his stature small but confident. His garb, detailed not sparing an accessory. Long grey hair and luxuriant headdress. I had a moment to glance to see who I was feeling before looking down at his hand holding mine. He was so peaceful and held a small inner smile within his soul. I was silent, waiting for instruction. I was willing to succumb to my destiny with humility and deliberation. Both of us barefoot, we slowing walked the field for what seemed to be ages and also seconds. Soon enough he spoke. Not turning his head from his forward focus he said, “Stephanie, its time to return. You are not done” I recall feeling a bit disappointed but valued his knowledge and didn't question his logic.
I am not sure how much time passed but would later find out was a few days. I awoke in another reality, my physical form to finish my job. But first, dialysis. My eyes opened to a nurse to my left -along side a rather large white machine, attached to tubing tunneled into my heart, which was my first experience with a dialysis. The nurse so graciously and sweetly welcomed me back and sedately explained what was happening to me. At that moment on landing, she was a angel in white to welcome me home. I had angels as I left and angels as I returned.
This was just one journey where I died and had opportunity to begin again. Although that NDE was the beginning of many lifetime renewals to come, that specific walk with the chief will never be forgotten. The peace, the stillness, the support and grace. In those moments in a time space continuum unlike here on earth, I learned a lot about myself. I saw a woman whom had the courage to live and to die. I saw myself ready to conquer any journey to come no matter what reality that was in. And lastly I saw a woman so bravely surrender to the unknown, the biggest lesson I cherish and hold so dearly to my heart to this day.
In our current world of such uncertainly, pain, and strife I want to re-mind myself that life can be beautiful and often is. We are still learning as humans about responding rather than reacting and specifically now more than ever how to co-habitat peacefully and love each other.
What I want to leave you with is that time is fleeting here. Choose wisely how you want to live and express your life and always remember that love in the end wins. It’s ok to surrender.
You are supported especially when you feel abandoned and neglected or unseen. And you are always supported in your ends and all your new beginnings.
With love,
Stephanie