The "Healer's Trap", Ego or Heart?
Updated: Jul 16, 2022
Once upon a time, I was a "healer," specifically an energy healer. Truth be told, I always questioned the label, appeared to hold a lofty claim if you ask me. I am a believer in God, the Creator, and knew that ultimately any miraculous healing was up to him/her (whichever your preference). But in a sense, it was what I did, moving energy, tapping in, assisting in shifting paradigms of limited beliefs. You see, ever since I was young, the people even my parents at times, needed help by my impressions of their feelings. It is openly discussed and poked fun at that I am my Mother's Mother, the parentified child. We may joke about this, but it has come with a significant cost at my expense.
Constantly attracted to healing modalities with a pure innocence since the age of 19, after a severe head-on collision including my mother, step-father, only sister, and family dog, (everyone but me) , I began my journey with body work. My first exploration- "healing" modality was Massage and Bodywork. I was attracted to this due to the physical pain associated with the recovery of my families injuries stemming from the car wreck. (They all were in the trauma unit for over one month). I thought if I could lay my hands on them, I could help reduce the discomfort. My earliest memories included, wanting to take pain away from others, and this seemed like a professional embarkation.
I was enthralled and felt at home with other like-minded souls who also had this intense desire to be of service to others. It made me feel so good. Anatomy, Physiology, and most intriguing copiously studying the energy system. Now this was where I felt a deep merge of my hearts desires and mission. Also, the inception point for my dedication to Christian mysticism, metaphysical medicine, and energy "tools". I was in love.
After I was licensed in bodywork, I went on to attain my certification in Ashtanga Yoga. This modality involved my physical body in a different way than bodywork. They are both intense physically, but different. I enjoyed the physical practice of yoga very much, but it also triggered personal goals, competition, and actually a physical addiction blossomed due to the "high" received after a beautiful savasana. But at 21, everything would shift. I started my personal journey with battling my own illness. As I continued to give relentlessly to my massage clients and study yoga, my own energy system was failing me. Young, naive, and desperate to help, I failed to understand the depths of balancing the energy exchange in not only life, but work.
As I battled my own systems well-being, I sought continued education and certifications in healing work. It was intense and my dedication was steadfast and unwavering.
Until I died.
Yep. After a severe 'bout with the flu, (I had been diagnosed with Lupus already), my healing of others became a fierce battle to heal myself. Thank God for this. In this divine intervention (masking as misery, chronic pain, hospital ridden anxiety), I had my epiphany, "Healer, heal thyself".
"Practice What You Preach! There is no doubt that God can and does heal people today. But the false doctrines of the Word-Faith Movement about "declaring" healing, "name-it-and-claim-it", etc. have been proven to be lies by the very people who sell this deceit. If you don't know about where these famous "faith healers" go when they need healing, you may be surprised. Why couldn't they heal themselves when they purported to be able to heal others by virtue of their superior faith? What happened to the extraordinary faith they claimed to have, enough faith to heal and be healed? Since they are the ones who taught that all you have to do is claim the healing that is in the Atonement (Is. 53:5) why did they not do so? Don't their deaths prove that what they were preaching was a lie and pragmatic witchcraft rather than biblical reallity?
Do the math. Be a Berean. Learn to discern!"
This above quote above wouldn't come to resonate until 15years post my initial blissful healing experiences. I ultimately knew, I wasn't performing miracles, I was never was that arrogant. But there was something inside me that that took some sort of credit for the many compliments, reviews, and adoration from people I worked with. So hence, I ended up labeling myself an "energy healer". I still share energy work. My work hasn't changed just my consciousness awareness around the process. What has changed is my expression and allowance of my authenticity to flow during any and all encounters I have.
After a profound spiritual awakening in 2015 that annihilated my ego, day in and out, for 2.5 years, I came to understand that I didn't understand the work fully ever- until I "Woke" up.
(Waking up is a buzz term in spiritual communities that I will discuss in another article).
Gifted by God, I met a divine Mirror, (often labeled a twin flame), who was as committed to our growth as I was, Death/rebirth, ego destruction, disappointments, temper tantrums, moves, job, changes, divorce, health issues, you name it arose for us both. But fortunately we committed to to the process. We recognized this connection immediately and the urgency and importance of it.
The process of re-union with the AUTHENTIC mirror of your soul will propel your ascension process and expedite your purpose, destroying everything, I mean everything about who you thought you were. Your physical experience as well as your personality will change.
In my personal process of healing - physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually, I was humbled into knowing GOD is really freaking powerful. I am nothing, I am no one. I claim nothing. All I have to claim is my personal experiential knowledge. When one is spoken to by THE BOSS himself directly, as least as was for me, you listen. Falling to my knees praying for guidance became an often occurrence during my purging process. It kept going, day after day, offering only brief reprieves before the next onslaught. The more I attempted to hang onto an old reality, the more pain, suffering, and soul torture I endured.
GOD WAS RUNNING THE SHOW, MY SOUL WAS RUNNING THE SHOW, AND MY PERSONALITY WAS PISSED AND GETTING IT'S ASS KICKED
That several year process, my divine beat down, annihilated everything about my life as I knew it. My ego was dead. But thankfully I landed like a feather in my heart on unexpected day. For the first time, my heart exploded, opened, and the most divine sensation that my hearts energy was no longer contained inside my body. It was a living, breathing, entity of it's own and it's the only way I could live from that point on. The heart center activation, The transcendence of the ego construct. There is still a knowing the ego exists, but the awareness is clear that if anything is coming from ego your heart will make it very clear. You must process everything that arises that is ego-related. You develop crystal vision in observation/witness mode, and see your old-belief constructs trying to come back to say hello. Fortunately once in the heart, authentically, you'll never live another way again.
So my question to you, as I had to ask myself over and over again is, Are you coming from you ego or your heart? Are you seeking PERSONAL GAIN, APPROVAL, MONEY, VALIDATION, in what you are speaking, saying, or doing?
Or are you acting from CHIRON, the wounded healer archetype? Claiming your divinity driven from ego and not heart? Heart based living never lies, even if it isn't what you want. And you choose to lead that way anyway. Heart energy never is jealous, envious, demeaning. Never looks down and claims they can heal another. It sees everyone as an extension energy of themselves. They honor the souls that arise along the path, to trigger or play a character who is in victim mentality and realize that the best way to honor them is to ignore the story as see the soul, would as Seane Corn (Or PonyBoy) would say.
"A master in the art of living draws no sharp distinction between his work and his play; his labor and his leisure; his mind and his body; his education and his recreation. He hardly knows which is which. He simply pursues his vision of excellence through whatever he is doing, and leaves others to determine whether he is working or playing. To himself, he always appears to be doing both.”
― L.P. Jacks
Currently, I lead and work exclusively from experiential embodied knowledge. My sessions have always been a conversation. One where both energies will dance together, at times my client teaching me more than me them. I claim nothing, I am no one. I am simply a child of God who has been gifted with a wicked beautiful story, and from my story is the only way I lead. I commit to my daily practice, 24/7. When you are in this state, you live your mission. It's integral to who you are as a human having an individual experience.
When one embodies this heart energy, it is visible and often misunderstood. It depends on the personality construct coming thru the individual at that specific time. We are taught that the world isn't safe, others often don't have our best interests at hand, and we need to protect ourselves. Often one based in the heart isn't trusted at first, or maybe seen and weird or arrogant. It isn't until they do they work, as I do diligently did and continue to do daily, that they will understand fully. Love exists. What you see is reflected back to you. And until you see love externally in every human, you will not trust it in yourself. It's a long, grueling process. But it begins within. The healer will actively promote healing until they heal themselves. Then the recognition that only you being your authentic self in and giving love not heirachy will true healing occur. By the grace of God.
*Authors final note. Most magnificent Saints and Mystics had their own serious and radical healing process. Many Shamans have died processing their own initiations. What is yours?