Updated: Dec 15, 2018
HELLO & WELCOME!
I am a passionate personal development coach and spiritual advisor with a long history of over-coming and thriving with chronic illness.
I am also a visionary who encourages radical authenticity and promotes free-thinking.
Read at your own discretion, trigger warning always in effect.
And now for how insanely judgmental as a society we can be…just joking, but no really…Understandably we can also be very loving and supportive, I obviously know this. But in today’s world and we can hold extreme views that often leave us with our foot in our own mouth or worse yet, our foot in another's mouth. It appears that we can make assumptions and choices with our words based off of how we're feeling in the moment. Make no mistake, words are powerful. They cast "spells" as in "spelling".
I'd like to give a few tips regarding ways I am continuously refining my communication skills as I take the time to understand what's behind my words in each moment.
We all like to think we don’t judge others, but in reality we are a society of incredulous judgement. I want to encourage others to ask themselves, Is it ok to make an opinion of someone based off of minimal information? Sometimes we have complete lack of facts and knowledge. Or maybe you’ve gathered, over time, certain evidence regarding a circumstance or individual that you feel gives you permission to pass judgement on a friend, boss, or lover? Sure, time maybe a benefactor in attaining accurate knowledge. But so often, we haven’t even considered our judgements on a deeper logical level. Where are our words stemming from? Are we conscoiusly dialoguing or unconsciously speaking? We can often have an emotional reaction and the mouth goes off. And if this action has been felt multiple times, all of a sudden we feel we are an authority on the issue.
Below are 4 tips to consider before you judge.
1.Poor self-care- Ok, this is a weird first suggestion. Are you tired? Overworked? Hangry? You’re more likely to judge or overreact in any circumstance if your basic needs aren’t met. You cannot fully show up at any capacity for another if you cannot take care of your own basic needs. When your needs are not met, very often that will translate externally and protect outwardly onto another. Also, it takes energy, brain energy to think critically and clear. It is much easier to feel an emotion and judge or react, as a small child would in a temper-tantrum. When you take time to make sure your cup is full, energetically, physically, and emotionally, you will have better discernment and greater awareness before you over-react.
2.Trigger Syndrome- You know that feeling. When someone says something, you feel it in your gut, maybe heart, and either you shut down or speak out. This concept of recognizing your emotions when you feel that sensation is the first step in developing emotional intelligence. When someone upsets you, it’s their fault, right? Actually, if you’re a grown up and willing to be responsible for your own psychology and well-being, it’s your reaction because something already exists in you to cause that reaction. If possible, try to pause. Either exist stage right, feel and process, or maybe stay silent until you understand and can respond logically and clearly. It’s ok to take time and develop the understanding regarding how trigger syndrome works. Humans tend to take others very personally. Even when it has nothing to do with you, and in fact, even when someone is directive in their speech it can often be more about the speaker anyhow. A projection of their own reality that causes reaction when it hits home. Often the reaction is stemming from something more in the subconscious often taking you by surprise and creating that “feeling”. So process that. What is that person saying that is bothering you and creating this response? Critically think, compassionately. Work to heal inner hurts traumas and wounds. Many skilled individuals exist to help you with that if needed
3.The Judgement/Negativity Bandwagon- Often when one begins to spread negativity or judgement and others follow suite, it can create a movement. This can be positive and conversely negative. And momentum can build quickly. Fact check, gather data, read and educate yourself before you simply hop onto a movement.
The hundredth monkey effect is a hypothetical phenomenon in which a new behavior or idea is claimed to spread rapidly by unexplained means from one group to all related groups once a critical number of members of one group exhibit the new behavior or acknowledge the new idea. - Wiki
4. Presumption and Arguing the Arbitrary- how often have you had an argument or felt upset about a text that you completely and utterly took our of context? Maybe you got all out of sorts over nothing? Yes, I’ve done it. If you’re in dialogue with someone and you are unclear about context or what someone was trying to convey…ASK!. There is nothing wrong with saying, “hey, what did you mean when you said I am…” Typically when one feels that immediate punch in the gut sensation, we freeze up because that aspect of the subconscious is being triggered filtering down into the conscious mind and we freeze. But before you begin to process and take the comment to heart, you can choose to simply ask before you react. Now keep in mind, in that asking, you may end up triggered anyhow, but I can guess that more so than not, you will receive confirmation that they were not intending to hurt you at all.
*Authors final note.
My material is all experiential. It is based off of what I have learned that has assisted me in developing better communication skills and reduce needless struggling when dealing with humans :)
Take what resonates and leave the rest!