HELLO & WELCOME!
I am a passionate personal development coach and spiritual advisor with a long history of over-coming and thriving with chronic illness.
I am also a visionary who encourages radical authenticity and promotes free-thinking.
Read at your own discretion, trigger warning always in effect.
Below is a very poignant and personal account of my dark night episode. My awakening began in 2012 and was accelerated in 2015 following the reunion with my twin soul aspect.
I am here to remind all beings... YOU ARE NOT ALONE.
*parental advisory
This was a requested topic, not by a single soul, but several. I hesitated initially as I knew I would re-live that reality that was so agonizing, I thought I would die. Now let me say this off the jump, this, as distressing, daunting, and soul crushing as it is, is your moment. Yeah, easy for me to say after I endured it. I know, I really do. Its dark, like the blackest you've every experienced. I will try my best to recount my personal story. It isn't everyone’s, as we all feel and traverse this life differently. To be authentic to the beautiful tragedy, I will sit in this energy and re-live this without the help of quotes, books, or other teachers opinions or knowledge -Just a girl and the depths of her darkness.
Laying in a twin bed in a spare room of my Mother’s condo, I sat, exhausted and blank over what I had just done. You see, about 6 months prior, I had a profound moment that changed the trajectory of my life in the glance of an eye. Let me be seriously clear. In the nano-second, in a glance of an eye, something happened, like a divine spark or collision from the cosmos. Unexpected, a real WTF moment, but something so sickly sweet. It was love, a different form of love.This I will go into further detail about another time, the introduction or reacquaintance of my twin soul aspect.
I will say, leading up the ignition point, there were clear leads of divine synchronicity’s and hints that God/Source was close by and bringing some sort of gift akin to the wisemen. It felt simply glorious, wondrous, my heart just busting open. An expression that felt so innocent and pure. An inner knowing of epic sorts. God has a wicked sense of humor because the prior epiphanies and signs seemed happy go joy lucky. If I only had been pre-warned. If I was, I wouldn’t have gone through with following my intuition and heart’s pull initially. But I see now, God see’s what we’re veiled to in moments of our forgetfulness.
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Do you know how fucked up it is to feel God within your heart,-make intense and crazy choices to follow it -piss off most of your family and choose to isolate from your few friends -only to be dropped on your ass? Moved out of my home, renounced all my previous self-desires, isolated myself from the world. Oh yeah, then I left my marriage, lost my business, and went into kidney failure for the second time. Wait, I left out those experiences that felt so far out and “woo woo” that I thought I was loosing my shit and gonna be locked up wearing nothing but a straight jacket. When I was seeing entities, angels, and demons, aliens, and fairies. Loosing my shit so I thought. Not a great combo. A tangible fear when one experiences awakenings and the dark night is that they have gone crazy into some bizarre psychosis. Everything was culminating towards something for me and I had no idea what it was.
Every one of these events occurred within the matter of months. The whole of my existence collapsing in one fell swoop. Questioning whether I could pay my bills, whether I’d speak to anyone ever again, wondering if I’d be homeless, or better yet dead from organ failure. A close family member offered up, “I liked you better before”. It felt like shit.
Another phrase I became accustomed too was, “What the hell happened to you?”
“Following my heart!” I would claim with some sort of arrogance, authority, and pride that was fading quickly. I knew what I felt on a cellular level, and it was more paramount than anything I had ever felt in my life. Keep in mind my life hasn’t been easy from the get-go. I had a life or death scare years prior from kidney failure #1. All I can say is, all the abuse, neglect, illness, and family trauma did not even come close in preparation for what would come next. (Keep reading, the light is coming, but not before it squeezes me tighter.)
So, back to the twin bed. I sat, as all of this reeled through my brain. I had to admit to myself that maybe I was wrong. Maybe what I felt was a cruel cosmic joke. To feel so connected to spirit, then to have that love taken from you was the soul crush that instigated the Dark Night of the Soul event for me. It was approaching 10pm, living at my Mom’s with barely a dime to my name and clothes on my back, oh yeah, preparing for dialysis and kidney failure, I recall thinking, “What the fuck God?” I whole-heartedly, fucking courageously, fucking crazily followed my heart. I felt you so close, now you abandon me? At 40 years old? I have nothing now. I have fucking nothing not even my health and I’ll probably die. My ego was irate and not afraid to bitch it out.
And so it came… darkness approached like smoke and settled over my body and encompassed me in a sheath of something that felt like a fibrous blanket gently suffocating my soul. This is what it feels like before someone takes their life, I thought. Keep in mind, my past had dark moments, even some suicidal thoughts when I was younger but nothing as intense as this. I had no fucking clue what this was. A demon for sure. I had no control. No hope, all was lost. I was so uncomfortable and trapped in this cigarette filled small room, too prideful to even go downstairs to inform my mother I was dying. All I could do was pray. I was paralyzed and only had God to bitch at. I just prayed to fall asleep and for God to allow me to die. For fuck’s sake I thought, let’s just end this nightmare. What a disappointment life was I thought. I knew, I was dying that night. There wasn’t a doubt. Around 3am, I finally drifted off somehow between my silent tears and mental preparation for death. I knew one thing. Death seemed more appealing than living another day in this black death and darkness.
What my conscious mind couldn’t yet comprehend, was I was experiencing a profound, no bull-shit cataclysmic event. The dark night before the re-birth. 7am the following morning, my eyes opened. There was a luminescent sun shining through the tiny window in my room, as if it was the first experience with our sun. My first thought, I’m not dead, as I patted my body. At least I don’t think so. Honestly I wasn’t sure. Make no mistake, I was shocked. I let the light hit my face and just laid there. I recall taking a deep breath and something began to re-emerge from my soul. That tiny seed that I could do it, make the necessary changes and survive this. I thought, “Christ, if I can survive that night, I am certain I can survive anything now”. Something in me was quite literally “reborn”. As I came to know the same reborn as in the Christian Religious dogma, but this shit was real! Spontaneous, not scheduled with a breadcrumb. Holy shit I thought. I was literally reborn! Something about all I was force-fed was actually legit. It was never God that screwed up his teachings, it was the vessels the material was coming through. I was remembering who I was aside what everyone taught and programmed me to be. The mind-control was exiting for good.
I will say this, I awoke in a new reality. I mean that very literally. It felt like another place, world, dimension. That began my process of healing in my “soul remembrance”. The “awakening” or “ascension” process or the beginning isn’t the beginning until the DarkNight of the Soul. That is the beginning. Then the healing starts. How that healing occurs quite literally depends of how much crap has been lodged up into your system. And the sludge comes from your own limiting beliefs, all you wounds, your hidden secrets, oh and your families shit, basically ANYTHING is on the table to arise if it is holding you back from your destiny and full potential.
That’s right, God was there, all along. I needed to feel that to that extent to purge and to be able to shine so brightly in my life. Duality and Polarity, aspects of life you can run from but cannot hide from. We have black and white, heat and cold, light and dark, all the same thing but on different ends of the spectrum. Think of it like, cold is simply lack of heat. Dark, lack of light, and black the lack of white. It’s duality and polarity. You can only experience the light to the degree you’ve experienced the dark. And I don’t think it could have gotten much darker for me.
So 3 years into my healing and recovery, I still know it’s happening. I will accomplish all I came to accomplish, I will be of service and dedicate my life to be on mission and will have fun while doing it. I will again be re-united with that love that shook my world in the glance of his baby blues. But my life lesson, I must know that love within myself first before I metamorphose into the great work I know I continue to become.
With a loving heart and grateful spirit, welcome to the re-birth of you.
*If you are experiencing any of the above and need assistance, don't hesitate to reach out.
With all my love.